What to do when in love with two?

November 11th, 2006

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years and feel like I still love him, but also find that I am in love with someone else. I started dating my boyfriend in high school and because of that, sometimes I feel that maybe I haven’t had all the dating experience that I would have liked and maybe that’s why I am so in love with this other guy, because I never got to find out what we could have had…”

“We met in college while my boyfriend and I were long distance and we instantly connected and became inseparable. But then I ended up cheating on my boyfriend with him. I think we would have broken up except that then my dad died and I needed someone to lean on and my boyfriend had been there and still was, so we stayed together. It had been 2 years since I cheated on him and then I did again, taking it even further with this other guy and I never told my boyfriend the extremes of the cheating, but he knows that something happened.”

I’m still with my boyfriend and it has been about 6 months since I last cheated on him. Ever since I met this other guy I think about him every day and wonder if I should be with him instead of my boyfriend. I feel awful, like it’s unfair to my boyfriend to be thinking these thoughts but he knows about them and still wants to be with me. And I still love him but lately I’m feeling very confused and don’t know what to do. Help!”

He says:
I’ll be frank… perhaps it’s time you take a step backward and think about what love really is. I can’t tell you who you love, and neither can “She”. What I can tell you, however, is that if you can’t keep yourself from being with this new guy… be honest with your current boyfriend. If you still love him, free him of this. Sleeping with someone else is not fair to him, and falling in love with someone else is just plain cruel. That said, it’s not fair to the new guy, either. You’re in a bad situation, and if it stays this way, it’ll only get worse.

Maybe you love both, maybe it’s pure lust in both cases. No one can answer that but you. The fact is, though, that you can’t have them both. Well… you can, I suppose, but I can’t condone that. And I’m positive your current boyfriend is ready for a definitive answer. It’s your choice.

She says:
Reality check: cheating always starts in the mind… let your mind wander to another man, and the process has already begun. Thinking about someone isn’t a sin, but you’re so tangled up in this other guy that you’ve already cheated on your boyfriend. Twice. You’re already entertaining the idea of being with this other guy instead of your current sweetie.

The only thing you can do at this point is be honest with yourself… deep down, you want to be free of commitment so that you can try new things and be with new people, but you’re afraid of losing a good thing. It’s okay to be scared, that means you know how good of a parter your boyfriend is and you recognize the value of your current relationship, but it’s not enough to keep you satisfied right now. I think you need some time apart. If experience is what you’re looking for, you have no other choice but to break it off with your boyfriend.

You may care for him, but you can’t make those sorts of claims and then turn around and cheat on him, physically or not. Break up. He has probably seen it coming for awhile, and is clinging to every last bit of hope for your relationship, despite knowing of your secret desires and unfaithfulness. Be fair to him and yourself, and break up.

They say:
You have an important decision to make: stay with your boyfriend, or leave him so that you can explore other options. You’ve already shown interest in another man, perhaps freeing yourself of commitment is just the thing you need to figure out what you want.

Entry Filed under: Cheating