She’s torn between her current boyfriend, and her ex.

June 11th, 2006

“I have been with my boyfriend now for about 9 months now and we both fell completely in love. Well, now I am pregnant and we are buying a house! We are both very excited. However, lately I’ve been thinking about my ex of 3 years…”

“He meant the world to me and still does. I just felt like his mother more than his girlfriend. He wasn’t ready for further commitment or for the growing up period. My current boyfriend is so perfect to me, he is everything I have ever dreamed of. So, why am I constantly thinking about my ex? I often wonder what could’ve been with him in my same situation. I know I still love him, but it could never work out and besides, I can’t imagine my life with out my boyfriend now. Please help me.”

He says:
No matter what any person in love will tell you (myself included, on occasion), love is not in itself a magic key that opens doors to the fictitious lands of “Happily Ever Afterâ„¢”. Nor is love an inpenetrable shield that keeps your relationship safe and happy. Love is merely a base, the keystone in your foundation.

Love is also not entirely exclusive. To say that you will only ever love one person is wrong - you have loved before, you love currently, and you will love again. Even if this love is not a romantic love, you will love… your new addition to the family, new friends, et cetera.

The power of love does not conquer all. The power of love conquers you, and you, in turn, conquer all.

Thus concludes my lesson on love, and brings me back to the point at hand.

3 years ago, a relationship ended with someone you loved as much as the man you’re with now. Someone who just couldn’t be what you wanted. It seems you’ve detached yourself from the relationship, but not from the feelings involved. Back to the previous analogy, if your love for your current man is the keystone to your foundation, then the love for your previous man is the wolf, huffing and puffing his way through the house you’ve been building. Thus, we need to turn from the straw of doubt to the bricks of reason.

It’s been 3 years… and what you need most right now is simply to let go. It seems as if you have a fantastic relationship… a little one on the way, buying a house (huge step, congratulations!), really moving towards the future. But the question remains… is that what you want? You need to be honest with yourself if you intend to resolve this. The man you’re with… is he the one you want? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Think about your previous man. Do you want him? Can you see yourself - whether he’s prepared or not - spending your life with him?

No matter what I say here, there’s no advice that can possibly help you move on from something that you cared so deeply about. It’s something you’ve got to do on your own, you’ve got to want to do on your own. You may need to take a step back before you can move forward.

She says:
Why are you still thinking of your ex? Because of what could have been. The mystery of where you might be now if you had chosen another path to walk is one that, understandably, tends to linger in the back of your mind, and the fact that you appear to still harbor feelings for this past love does not help ease your mind. I’m not quite convinced that you ever let go of him completely. You have a lot of memories with him, and perhaps still hope for a future with him. Ask yourself honestly if you secretly wish your current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend could magically switch places. If your answer is yes, then you are going to have to make a very difficult decision.

This is a very delicate situation because a lot is at stake — you’re going to have a baby, you and your current boyfriend are planning on purchasing a house and marriage is probably somewhere in there as well. You say that he is perfect for you and everything that you’ve ever dreamed of. If what you say is true, and you want to settle down and start a family with him — not because he’s “perfect”, but because you love him and know that he’s the one you want to grow old with — then you’ll face the simplest of the two decisions to make. But to be fair and honest to your boyfriend, you must let yourself move on from these lingering feelings for a relationship that’s in the past.

However, should you choose to pursue your feelings for your ex-boyfriend, the consequences of your actions will be much more severe. I honestly don’t think you should risk losing a good thing, but you deserve to be happy. Just be aware of what you’d be facing if you said goodbye to the father of your child. It wouldn’t be a pretty situation, and your chances with your ex are extremely cloudy.

What it comes down to is what you really want. Make a decision, let go of one or the other and move on with your life.

They say:
To be perfectly blunt, we both think that you should stick with what you’ve got, and let go of the past. If what you said is how you truly feel about your sweetheart, staying with your current man is the wisest choice in the end, especially with a baby on the way! You don’t have to let go of the good memories of your ex-boyfriend, nor do you ever have to stop caring for him… but save your love for the one who is with you now, the one who makes you happy now — the one who is right for you now.

Let go of the past, the “what could have been’s” and turn your focus to preparing a strong foundation for your child.

Entry Filed under: Breaking Up / Divorce, General Romance