She’s left wanting more, but he won’t commit.

February 6th, 2007

“My ‘boyfriend’ and I have been together for almost 6 years. We lived together for four and half and then he suddenly moved out, saying he needed to be closer to work. After a few months of not seeing one another, we started seeing each other again. He claims that he can’t make a commitment, but that I am and have always been the ‘one’…”

“He agreed that there could be more in the future, he is just going through some things. This has gone on for one year and although we get along great, we only see one another about once a week, if that. We have conflicting work schedules. I have begun feeling the only reason we are together is for sex. That seems to be his primary focus. Everytime we are together that is his focus. It’s his main topic of conversation, he says hes just kinky.”

“He doesn’t go out with me (says hes saving money) and our time is spent in his house. Occassionally we go out to dinner. He says I’m the only thing that makes him happy in this world. However I feel really confused and feel like his sexual toy. I have tried to talk about it to him and he says I’m being ridiculous, that we are great friends and he would do anything for me, he just has some ‘problems’. I’m worn out and feel like I’m spinning my wheels, I feel used and like I’m being played. I finally brought the subject up again and he made a comment about my brain doing overtime and that all I wanted to do was lash out at him. Tell me what your take is on this!”

He says:

Your brain is definitely working overtime, that’s the only thing he’s said that I’ll believe. In this case, however, you’re right to be paranoid, and if you plan to stick with him, you deserve an explanation of both his actions and his “problems”.

Emotional problems are a perfectly logical reason to take things slowly. From the sound of it, however, there’s nothing slow about your relationship. There are only three reasons, in my view, that a man wouldn’t be able to commit to someone he feels is “the one”.

-The first: Fear. Cold feet can cause a man to hold himself back. A man can legitimately fear commitment and still know he’s found the right one. We all doubt every now and again.

Well, that’s not it… let’s move on to the second.

-The second: He’s already married. A married man can take on an affair without giving himself away to either partner if he does it right. It’s difficult, but possible.

That one’s pretty doubtful. The relationship’s gone on too long for most people to keep something like that a secret. That brings us, then, to our third and most likely scenario:

-The third: You’re not “the one”. Sweet words about fate, the future, marriage… a woman doesn’t even have to be particularly romantic to be taken by a silver tongue. Actions speak louder, as both Betty Everett and Cher said, “It’s in his kiss”… wherever you’re looking, words mean very, very little.

Folks, I think we’ve got a winner. I’ve been in a relationship where I was “the one” but she couldn’t commit because of her “problems”. Her “problems” consisted of about 4 other guys she happened to be sleeping with at the same time.

I can’t say that’s exactly what he’s doing, I don’t really have a clue. But as I said at the beginning, you deserve an explanation.

She says:

Well girl, I think you need to start making some demands for yourself! If you really feel like his “sex toy” and are uncomfortable, then you need to start listening to your instincts and put a stop to the sexual activity. Explain that you’re tired of the relationship being all about sex, and that you are after something more meaningful. If he is still unwilling to commit to something more, and says that he has “problems” without explaining what they are, then I’d start asking for an explanation! I’m sure he probably does have problems, but how does that make him any different from the rest of us? Unless the problem is something huge, like another commitment, then he is just making excuses.

Here’s what I think is happening…

He’s sweet talking you into waiting for him to come around and settle down, when the reality of the situation is that everything he does and says to you contradicts itself. Think about it. How can he claim so boldly that you are “the one”, but insist that he cannot commit to you? How can he say that there might be a future, but believe in his heart that you are the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? He may be a sweet talker, but his words mean nothing unless he can back it up with some action.

I honestly believe that he doesn’t have a clue about what he wants, and is keeping you around to meet his sexual needs while he explores his options.

So how do you feel about him? Do you think he’s the one, or are you reluctant to let go of him because of your history? Six years is a long time, and it definitely wouldn’t be easy to let go of someone you loved for that long, but if you’re tired of waiting for him to come around and don’t want to feel used anymore, you may not have a choice.

Once you’ve figured out exactly where you want this to go and what you want from him, definitely sit him down and have another talk. There is hope, and if he loves you as much as he claims, he will be willing to compromise.

They say:

A conversation with your sweetheart is in order. Don’t let him get off by whining about how you are harping on him. Make sure he knows that you want an explanation and a more meaningful relationship. Try to figure out what is holding him back. If you still don’t see a commitment or change afterwards, you might want to start exploring your options.

Entry Filed under: Commitment, Sex & Intimacy