He’s moving away, and she doesn’t agree with cohabitation.

February 8th, 2007

“My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over six months (almost literally). The last time we slept apart was three months ago when I left town to visit my parents. I love being with him, and he feels the same way about me. He’s planning to go to medical school in about eight months, and this could involve an out-of-state move. But wait! — this isn’t a long-distance relationship question; it’s about cohabitation. We already decided that I’ll go with him. He assumes that we will live together. So far, I have just gone along with this assumption…”

“The problem is, I don’t want to live with him without being married. I have practical reasons for this, so it’s not that I’m just being old-fashioned. I know, I know…my actions (always having him stay at my place, or me staying at his) send the message that I’m OK with cohabitation. To me, there is a big difference between staying the night and living together. He has talked about us always staying together, but the topic of marriage hasn’t really come up.

I know he has been affected by his parents’ relationships (they are divorced and remarried to different people), as well as an experience of rejection when he was in high school.

How can I tell him that I’m not willing to live with him without being married? I feel like no matter what I say, it will come across wrong. It’ll sound like either I don’t want to be with him all that much, or that I’m pressuring him to marry me.

By the way–as far as I’m concerned, it would be a dream come true to see him pull a little velvet box out of his pocket. I don’t know how he feels about this subject, but I do know that it won’t help if I bring it up.

He says:

It’s always interesting to me to see people’s differing views on cohabitation before marriage. I’m old-fashioned in a lot of ways, but I honestly believe that a year living together outside of marriage makes an excellent preview of what’s to come. A trailer, if you will, for the coming attraction. If the trailer doesn’t look that good, well, you’ll avoid the movie. If it still looks good after the one-year trailer, I think you’ve found a worthwhile marriage.

There are a lot of advantages to cohabitation, but, of course, I’m not here to convince you to move in with your man… so I’m rambling again.

So then… clearly this is a man you want to marry. And clearly, this is a man who - at least from the description you’ve given - wants to marry you as well. A man in love - truly in love - will compromise when necessary. If “She” told me we couldn’t have sex, we wouldn’t have sex. If she said we can’t live together, we’d still be a long-distance relationship. If he wants to stick with you, he’ll understand. He may push the issue out of a need to be with you, but you’ll still stay together in the end. Who knows, you might even get a proposal out of the deal.

Just be honest, be direct, and tell him how you feel. There’s no other way it can be done. Even if it comes across the wrong way, you’ll likely have an opportunity to explain your side. And hey, what’s the alternative? You can either talk to him about it, move in with him and regret it (which would throw a huge gulf between you) or let him move away and stay behind with no explanation. There’s only one real option there, if you think about it.

She says:

How do you know it won’t help if you bring it up? Look, contrary to what anyone else may say, I don’t think that discussing marriage with the person you love is a bad thing, even if you aren’t sure what their stance on it is. Sure, it takes courage… but it’s healthy to talk about these things. For all you know, you could be with a guy who is so emotionally damaged that he doesn’t want to get married at all… if that were the case, wouldn’t you be at a dead end? If he wants to stay with you, but doesn’t want to get married… and you don’t agree with cohabitation, then wouldn’t you rather know now?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that’s what will happen. From the way you speak of him, he sounds like a great guy who loves you very much… especially if he’s assuming that you’ll move out with him. The very fact that you haven’t discussed marriage may mean that it’s crossed his mind, but he could be afraid to mention it to you, because he doesn’t know how you feel about it. He might also like to finish school and be financially secure before taking you as his wife, so that could be another reason he hasn’t brought it up. Who knows?

The only way you’ll find out now is by bringing it up yourself. You both need to discuss this and get your opinions all out in the open so that each of you know where the other stands. Don’t be afraid to talk about your fears and/or concerns about cohabitation, and listen to his concerns, if any, about marriage. You’ll be doing yourselves a favor!

They say:

Just be honest. Express your feelings as tenderly as you like, and expect some confusion on his part, but be honest and encourage him to share his thoughts as well. Bringing up the subject of marriage is a good idea, but if you find it inappropriate for the situation, save it for a later date. Be open to compromise, and sensitive to his concerns. Good luck!

Entry Filed under: Cohabitation, Communication, Long Distance Relationships