Parents say “no” to cohabitation before marriage.

April 20th, 2006

“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months now and I’m starting to really fall in love with him. We both attend community college part-time and work full-time jobs, so we don’t have a lot of extra time to spend together. He wants me to move in with him so that we can have more time together.

My parents are really against the idea. They think that it would be too much of a distraction from my education and job, and they also strongly believe that before I live with a guy, we should be married. They keep telling me that if he really loved me, he would marry me and that if I do this outside of marriage, I’ll be making a big mistake…”

“I was raised to believe the same thing, but I really love this guy and want to be with him. I don’t want to disappoint my parents, but I don’t want to risk losing my boyfriend. What should I do?”

He Says:
The problem with having a set of old-fashined beliefs is that, realistically, you’re behind the times. If you’re going to live in todays society, the belief system will need to adapt to suit the reality of modern marriage.

It has been said that, one day, 50 percent of marriages in the US will end in divorce. Statistically speaking, as a country, we’ve been heading in that direction for quite some time. These days, it’s universally accepted that your first marriage ends in disaster, your second marriage ends as a lesson, and your third marriage is the one you’ll stick with. Riiiight.

This is where the trouble comes in. Our old-fashioned views as a society have shifted to a bit of a… well… new-fashioned take on an old-fashioned belief.

In times of yore (y’know, back when people actually followed these rules) the rules were simple: No sex before marriage. No cohabiting before marrage (this encourages… *gasp* sex). And marriage was final. A legally- and spiritually-binding contract. Basically… as a couple, if you leapt into marriage, you were finally able to live together, share love, make love, and be happy in it. But, if you found out later that this isn’t what you wanted… you’re stuck, plain and simple. There was no escape from the shackles of “Till death do us part”. Well… except… y’know… death.

So, modern society has a new take on this. Now, it’s accepted that you can marry as many times as you’d like. These new rules go: No sex before marriage. No cohabitation before marriage. Once you’re married, live with him, sleep with him, then dump him once you find out he’s not very good at either. But, damnit, at least you got yourself married before you did it.

Neither really suits me. Marriage is final, and there’s no sense in jumping into it just to make it “acceptable”.

Back to the point. Your beliefs, your parents’ beliefs, society’s beliefs… none of these things matter. Really, what matters most right now is that you and your boyfriend are young, in love, and barely seeing each other.

Seeing as you’re both working full time and attending college, I don’t really believe he’d be much of a distraction. You both have things to do, and love tends to work around that, rather than against it. Where they see a distraction, I see a great study partner.

The things you need to ask yourself are:

• How do you feel about this?
• Is sharing a home with him what you really want?
• What’s most important to you… being near him, or avoiding stern looks at your parents’ dinner table?

There’s only one person who can tell you what’s best for you. You. Let your heart be your guide.

She Says:
Your parents can think what they want, but you’re an adult now and ultimately this is your decision. What it comes down to is how you feel and what you believe is right. You mentioned you were raised with certain moral beliefs, but how important are they to you right now? Are you willing to set them aside to make this move? And if so, can you do it without feeling guilty and/or regretting your decision later on? Do you feel that it would be a distraction from your education and job? And how do you feel about the whole topic of marriage?

You know yourself better than anyone, and these are some questions you need to be answering honestly. Everyone believes different things. I was raised with similar morals and because of them, I looked at my relationships a little bit differently than most people did. Whenever I liked someone enough to call them my “boyfriend”, I’d look closer at who they were and decide that if I couldn’t see myself married to them in the future, then pursuing a relationship with them would be a waste of time and effort.

I don’t know about you, but it seems that your parents feel the same way. And since they see it that way, I’m going to assume that you do too, after being brought up on the same morals and such. But forget about them for a moment, and concentrate on yourself and how you personally view this situation.

Think about your relationship.

• Do you see yourself married to him in the future?
• Can you see yourself settling down and starting a family with him?
• Do you both share the same goals and visions for your future together?
• Have you discussed who’s going to pay what, who’s going to do what chores and so forth?
• Are you both equally devoted to each other in the relationship?
• Do you feel ready to leave the nest and get out on your own?

Again, I’m assuming these things are important to you. And I think that if your answer to these questions are mostly positive, then I’d say that when you’re ready to move out and it’s what you really want, go for it! Otherwise I think you should stay home for a little while longer and get to know your sweetie better. The important thing is that you don’t rush into anything. If you have any second thoughts about this move or relationship, you need to reconsider the choice you’re about to make.

You want to be at peace with your decision and future before you sign that lease!

They Say:
Our combined advice is that you take a step back and review the pros and cons you’ll be facing whether you decide to move in with your boyfriend or stay home with mom and pop. If your moral beliefs are important to you, you shouldn’t toss them aside for anyone or feel pressured to go against them. Don’t let anyone live your life or make your decisions for you.

And remember, you can’t always please everyone. So decide for yourself what you really want and need. Everything else should follow.

Entry Filed under: Cohabitation