Parents don’t like her future husband.

May 15th, 2006

“Well, I read your advice about the girl who’s parents don’t want her to live with her boyfriend before they get married, and that’s all fine and dandy, but what do you do when you are about to get married, but your parents don’t want you to be with your boyfriend at all…. period!

I’m recently engaged and my parents are throwing a fit! Okay, maybe they didn’t exactly like him to begin with. When we first started dating, he ended up getting into a verbal fight with my parents because they didn’t trust him. They always insisted that he should apologize to them, even though they picked the fight and the whole thing was their fault…”

“It’s worse now that we’re getting married, though. My parents are acting like spoiled children who didn’t get their way. I still live with them and they are threatening to kick me out if I don’t get rid of my boyfriend/fiance. They have made other threats too, about how they’ll stop paying for my tuition (I’ve got two years left), how they’ll end up disowning me from the family, all because they don’t like him. If they don’t like him, thats fine… but they should at least be civil, don’t you think?

I don’t know what I should do. I don’t care much for my parents, but I respect them because they ARE my parents and they are family, but I WON’T call off my wedding or relationship just because they don’t like my man.

Got any ideas?”

He says:
Sounds to me as if you’re pretty well backed into a corner. As much as you, or I, or anyone else may think they’re being unfair, if they’re providing you shelter and/or tuition, then they are well within their rights to take it away for whatever reason they’d like. The great thing about being a benefactor is that you have absolutely no obligation to keep it up.

That’s the dilemma, and that’s the entire dilemma. Your parents may claim they’ll disown you… but what matters is that this guy makes you happy. If they think he’s not right for you… that’s their right as parents. With time, I’m sure they’ll be able to see him as you do, or at the very least, accept that he’s not going anywhere. Parents rarely think anyone is good enough for their children, and your choice is almost never the one they’d like to see you with.

Then again, this isn’t a choice for your parents to make. If you’re ready to marry him, don’t even think about what your parents think of it. There are a few immutable truths about love. Love is never logical, love is never easy, love is never immediately accepted by your parents.

If you’re old enough for college, then it’s most likely that you’re old enough to strike out on your own. If your heart demands that you be with him, don’t take no for an answer.

She says:
Why is it that we can’t let go of the need for our parent’s blessing in everything we do? Well, it probably has something to do with the fact that they are our parents. I don’t care what anyone says — I think we all desire our parent’s approval. We want for them to be proud of us and see us for the adults that we are, the adults that they raised. That would be you.

You’re an independant young woman now, and ultimately this is your decision. Your parents will have their concerns and try to do what they think is best for you, but they can’t live your life for you. What are the most important things to you? Is this relationship and future marriage worth the risk of being thrown out of your parent’s home before you’re ready, being cut off from your family and with no additional financial backing for your education?

If your feelings towards this man are real and honest, and you really do want to spend the rest of your life with him, no matter the risk, then he should be worth the pressure and conflicts.

Here are some other factors that I’m concerned about and think you should consider:

1. Do your friends approve of him, or not? If both your parents and your friends dislike him, maybe they have a valid point that you’re overlooking. Rebelling against your parent’s ideals is one thing, but if your friends also believe you can do better, you probably can and should.

2. Is he rude to your parents or friends? You already mentioned that he engaged in a verbal fight with your parents and never apologized for it. Why not? I think regardless of who was at fault, a man who truly loves you would set his pride aside and go out of his way to mend the rift, especially after seeing how greatly it affects you — his leading lady. Also, keep in mind that his treatment of your folks sets a clear example of how you can expect he’ll be treating you in the future.

The best thing you can do for yourself and the future of your relationship is figure out exactly what you want to do and then lay it all out for both your family and your fiance. Make it clear to both parties that you’ve thought a lot about your options, and that the conclusion you make is the one that you want, without a doubt. Whether your parents throw you out and cut off your college funding or not is their prerogative, but you don’t have to let these things keep you from your love. Make some backup plans, just in case they are true to their word — find an alternative place to stay until you are married, and consider some student loans to cover the rest of your tuition.

It’s your call on what you want to do regarding your relationship, but this problem isn’t going to go away after you’re married, and I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t let it go unresolved before I said “I do”.

They say:
We strongly suggest that if you already know without a doubt that this marriage is what you want, then you should make a backup plan for where you can stay until you are married, should your parents kick you out. Also consider some student loans to pay for the remaining tuition your parents won’t touch. Once you’ve done so, sit down with your family and your boyfriend, preferably together, and share your plans.

Remember, that just as much as they can’t change you or your future husband, you can’t change their opinions. Be firm in your decision, and make it clear that while you respect your parents, this is your choice to make. They may not approve, but hopefully they’ll respect you enough to not “disown” you or toss you out of their home. If they do, that’s their prerogative… but this is your life and your future and it will be what you make it. Good luck!

Entry Filed under: General Romance, Marriage