Her parents are rude to her husband.

March 26th, 2007

“My parents are pretty rude to my husband. They are typical Americans, impressed with the superficial and defining things like income, titles, and possessions. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I’m completely different. I’ve done a lot of travelling and have lived abroad for 6 years in my adult life (after college). I met my husband abroad, and we got engaged, then married. I’m sure that has something to do with it.”

“My father has been struggling with cancer for 11 years and I decided that it was time to move back to the US to be near my family for a while. My husband agreed, although this was not his first choice. Believe it or not, not every foreigner wants to live here! Due to the high cost of property, and moving, etc. my parents offered to help us out for the first few months. We quickly got our own place (5 minutes
away), and we’re doing our best to keep our head above water.

Fast forward to today, we have a 10 year old daughter (from his previous relationship, her mother died when she was 4), and my mom is constantly pressuring me to get pregnant. Like my husband has nothing to do with it!!! Also, she drops in unannounced and often calls more than once daily.

My husband works two jobs and my family tries to call on the nights he’s working. My aunt called recently while he was home in the evening & responded to his “hello” with “oh, you’re home tonight…” He feels a little like he’s playing second fiddle, and I totally understand where he’s coming from. When trying to have a conversation with my mom today, I made the mistake of telling her about my husband’s feelings, and she said that he put “too much pressure” on me!!! The pot calling the kettle black!

Apart from these family woes, we’re happy in the States, and our daughter is doing well in school. We have even planned to expand our family next year. The only thing is, do I have to move away in order to restore our happy little family? How do I distance my family while we only live 5 mins away? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but my commitment is to my husband and daughter first, although I love my mom and want to be there for her as well. HELP, I’m being torn and worn! I can’t take much more!”

He says:

First off, it’s great to hear from someone who’s happily married and working on a family. When you’ve heard enough “she’s a cheater” and “he won’t commit” stories it gets harder to remember that people are willing to stick it out, so congratulations.

To tackle the first issue… my mother hounded me a few years back about giving her a grandchild, and at the time I didn’t even have a girlfriend! It’s natural for a mother to want to have grandchildren, especially blood-related grandchildren, so I wouldn’t take that as a personal attack on your husband.

The rest, however, might be. Someone who’s dead-set on a man fitting into a specific mold is near-impossible to break. It sounds as if they not only don’t approve, but actively disapprove, letting you know constantly how they feel as subtly as they can manage.

It may be best to find out why they can’t accept him. What you’d written above leads me to believe that you think it’s his position, income, possibly even race, but it’d be a good idea to find out for sure, and confront them with it. Explain your position and let them explain theirs. If nothing gets resolved, let them know that you value their opinions (clearly you do, or you wouldn’t be torn) but that he’s not going anywhere.

Beyond that, do what makes you feel comfortable. Keep “running away” as your last resort, as that may not solve anything. It seems to me that you value your family quit a bit, and it may be difficult, if not impossible, to sever your ties completely.

She says:

First off, let me say that it’s so nice to hear a woman say that her first and foremost commitment is to her husband and child. I think a lot of adults get caught up in feeling like they owe everything to their parents and end up neglecting the needs of their own lives. I think it’s great that you moved back to the States to be there for your parents, but can sympathize with your frustrations with them.

That said, I think you and your husband need to lay some ground rules for your household. A few suggestions for you:

1. No more unannounced visits. If your mother or anyone else in your family wants to stop by, they need to call to ask if it’s alright first. This is just common courtesy, and your family should be no exception to the rule.

2. Set similar rules for the phone. No phone calls between, for example, 3pm - 8pm. Pick your own schedule, and explain that this will be “family time” between you, your hubby and your daughter, and it is not to be interrupted.

3. Tell your mother that you understand she wants another grandchild, but that you don’t appreciate her pressuring you to become pregnant, and that it’s not a decision that is any of her business unless you want it to be. You could ease her mind a bit by discussing your plans for the future, but that’s your call.

Don’t forget, however, about your extended family’s feelings as well. Try to put yourself in their shoes, like your Aunt, for instance. How well does she know your husband? She probably wasn’t expecting him to answer the phone, and was taken aback. I know if one of his Aunts called and I answered the phone, I’d feel uncomfortable for lack of knowing what to say. I just don’t know most of his family very well.

Do you feel that your family doesn’t approve of Mr. Right? Does he feel that way? If so, you need to find out why and explain that you will not tolerate rude behavior towards him. Stand your ground, and don’t let them walk all over you.

From what you wrote, though, it seems to me like your family just doesn’t know him very well, and as a result, are a bit awkward and uncomfortable. This could probably be resolved if they could spend more time together. I know that must be hard to do, since he works two jobs and barely has enough time to spend with you, but work some time in for a family gathering every once in awhile. A few suggestions might be a weekend potluck or barbecue.

Hopefully with some effort and a little more time together, they’ll start warming up to him.

They say:

Definitely lay some ground rules for your home. Everyone, including your parents, should respect those rules, as it is a reflection of their respect for you and your husband. Also try to “bridge the gap”, so to speak, between your family and your husband by planning some get togethers where everyone can visit together and have a good time. If you feel that they don’t like him, talk about it and find out why. Maybe they just don’t know him very well, or perhaps there is another reason. It’s up to you to find out!

Entry Filed under: Family