Ex-boyfriend wants sex without the commitment…

April 29th, 2006

“My boyfriend of two years and fiancee of one of those years broke up with me a month ago. He approached me a few weeks later and asked if we could be friends with benefits. I agreed, but here’s the thing…..”

“I still love him and want to be with him as much as I did when we were together. When we have sex, it reminds me of how things used to be. I want him back, but he wants to live the single life. He’s only interested in the sex.

My friends tell me I should break off all contact with him and move on, that I deserve better. I don’t want anyone else though.

What’s your advice for a situation like this?”

He says:
Personally, I’m inclined to agree with your friends. It’s a classic scenario: You want sex because it brings the two of you closer, it’s the ultimate expression of your love, you connect with him on a level that a simple conversation or kiss could never provide.

He also wants sex, but for entirely different reasons. In a “friends with benefits” situation, it’s not about closeness, love, or the connection. It’s about the sex. Terrible as it is to say, you’re being used.

I can’t help but speak bluntly, so if your heart’s feeling a bit fragile, you may want to skip ahead to “Her” response, as she’ll likely sugar-coat it. I won’t.

Are you okay with being his toy? Are you willing to compromise your most important parts for a moment of bliss for yourself and a quick release for him? Can you give your heart, your soul and your body every day for a man who’ll treat it like a sexual PlayStation?

Don’t be that girl. Don’t sell yourself short just to cling desperately to something that’s already gone.

My advice is plain and simple… get back in touch with your dignity and self-respect; I’m sure they miss you. Sex won’t fix things. Given a bit more time, it’ll only make it worse. Approaching a situation like this looking for love is like lighting yourself on fire for a drink of water. There are better ways.

She says:
Of course you still love him and yearn for him, your relationship only ended a month ago! I apologize in advance for being so blunt…. but what on earth were you thinking? I understand that you love him and don’t want to lose him after all that time together, but you know why your relationship ended and you know that he’s not interested in anything but a strictly sexual relationship with you (otherwise you two would still be a couple). And it’s not just you, honey. You were probably his first choice in a sexual partner for several reasons:

• He’s comfortable and familiar with you (don’t confuse this with love).
• You’re making yourself sexually available
• Perhaps the no-strings-attatched approach makes the sex more exciting

Think about it — if he wasn’t getting the sex from you, he’d likely be getting it elsewhere. Don’t you see? The only reason he still comes around is because you allow it. Your craving for the relationship you once had makes it difficult to tell him “no”. You’re afraid of letting him go, so you give your body to him because it’s the only thing you have left of the relationship you shared. You may want him back, but consider this…

All other reasons aside, why would he want a relationship with you, when you’re giving him everything he wants without commitment? He probably thinks he’s got it made — He can date other women, screw around if he wants, and do anything he pleases because he’s not tied down in a relationship. And on top of that, you’ve made it clear that he can come running back to you anytime it’s convenient for him. So how’s it feel to be the third wheel? Because that’s the part you are playing. It’s a minor role, though, and it’s only a matter of time before he cuts you out of the show completely.

He may not want to be confined by commitment right now, but he’ll eventually fall in love again. When that happens, do you think he’s going to continue sleeping with you? And on an even more important note, have you considered how it would make you feel once he starts screwing around with other women again, if he hasn’t already? Trust me, any jealousy that you feel now will only grow tenfold.

Your friend’s are right, and I think that deep down in your heart, you know they are, too. You need to let go and move on. In every relationship, past or present, there are lessons to learn and wisdom to gain. While you never forget your past loves, the pain does ease and the wounds scab over. Scars remain as reminders of what we should and should not repeat in the future, but romance blooms again. Saying “goodbye” is not just an ending… it’s a new beginning!

You want advice, fine, you asked for it.

Get on with your life, girl. Stop selling yourself short by fooling around with a boy who doesn’t love you anymore and find a man who is truly worthy of all you have to give.

They say:
Don’t sell youself short. You know how real love feels. You’ve been there, recently. What remains is a scattered puzzle with one tiny piece still in place. Pick yourself up, remember what you had fondly, but forget who gave it to you, because he’s no longer there the way he once was.

Every experience, especially the bad ones, lingers in memory to teach us lessons, make us stronger. Take that strength and reclaim your life.

You still have a lifetime ahead of you, and there’s a whole world full of men out there who’ll give you sex. Seek out the one who knows that it means something.

It’s a harsh reality for a romantic, but when you find what you’re looking for, nothing else compares. Remember, you’re worth more than a fling. Brush off, smile, and never look back.

Entry Filed under: Breaking Up / Divorce, Sex & Intimacy