Ex-boyfriend wants to be “friends”, but is there more to it?

November 10th, 2006

“My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for a few months now and after our first initial break up, he contacted me 2 months later in Feburary wanting to talk and said that he was thinking about getting back together. Then I discovered that he was with another girl, which sparked another huge fight, so I essentially cut him out of my life and we haven’t spoken since the beginning of April.”

“A few days ago he notified me on a website that he wanted to be my friend again (I had deleted him from my friends list right after the fight), so I checked his current profile and it says he’s in a relationship.”

“We initially were in a long distance relationship for a year and a half, because I was away at college. I will be graduating in a few weeks and going back home to live, where he is also currently located. Why would he contact me after all this time? Why would he contact me if he already has a new girlfriend? Help, please?”

He says:
This is one of those situations where it’s best to tread very, very carefully. There is always the possibility that he’s genuinely interested in being your friend again… but given your history, that’s rather unlikely. Having said that, let’s think about this.

Do you want to be his friend? If you do, like I’d said, maybe that’s what he’s really after. Take him up on it, but you’d better leave those defenses up or you may just end up getting played. A man who’d try to get you back while with another girl - unless he’s had some sort of life-changing epiphany (”I saw Jesus in a grilled-cheese sandwich!”) - can and will do the same again.

Do you want to be his girlfriend? That is a terrible idea. Think about what he did to the other girl… and realize the same will happen to you. Unless, as above, he’s had a change of heart, which doesn’t seem likely if he has someone else and is trying to win you back.

My advice: The door’s closed. Unless you feel he’s really worth the time as a friend, don’t bother opening it.

She says:
Why? I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to your questions, but I can make a couple of guesses. One is that maybe he’s looking for a reaction out of you… testing the waters, so to speak, to see if you might still be interested; he might still want to get back together, who knows? Another guess would be that he might genuinely just want to be friends. In all honesty, I have no idea… men can be so unpredictable (no offense, guys!).

If I were you, I wouldn’t read into it. If you’re that curious, you could always “friend” him back, but be alert to his actions. You were with him for a long time, so you probably know him pretty well. If he starts hinting that he wants to hook up (while he’s with another girl, no less), I’d end it right then and there and say goodbye for good.

They say:
Maybe you’ve got a genuine offer of friendship. Most likely, it’s an attempt at another notch in his belt. If you want the answer, take the road, but make sure you’re looking where you’re going. One wrong turn and you’re right back where you started.

Entry Filed under: Breaking Up / Divorce, Cheating, General Romance, Long Distance Relationships