A new relationship brings new doubts and concerns.

June 23rd, 2006

“I just started out on a long distance relationship with someone that I met during a vacation. During that short period of time this person became someone that left a special place in my heart. My problem is that he is very hard to read, and I find myself doubting what he feels and what is going through his head as we embark on what could be a really wonderful journey with each other…”

“Sometimes he says the most wonderful and hopeful things and then other times he leaves me wondering if he really thinks that this could work at all. I know in my heart if we really believe then it could work, but without showing him my doubt how can I confirm that he feels the same, if he feels the same?”

He says:
I won’t lie. Long-distance relationships are a bitch, and there’s not much that can be done to change that. One of the hardest parts - if not counting the pain of not being near the one you love - is not knowing what they’re up to.

Say I were hundreds of miles away from my girlfriend (it’s a stretch, I know, but bear with me). I could, theoretically, with distance as my ally, be a married man, have multiple families set up across the nation, or simply be a whole lot less in love than I claim to be. With that in mind, welcome to the first hurdle of every long-distance relationship. It’s a fear everyone in this situation faces, if only briefly - but when it sticks around, generally it’s worth paying attention.

It is possible, at a great distance, to give very little to a relationship but still keep it alive. I’ve personally been in situations where I’ve given, at best, 25%. “I’m sorry, I’ve got things I need to do tonight, I won’t be online,” or “I’m going to have an Initial D marathon. My phone’s on if you need me.” You can keep a relationship afloat while turning it off at will, but in my experience, it doesn’t last long.

A good long-distance relationship is like a good broadband ISP. It’s always on.

That said… if this is a big worry for you, then you’ll need to clear the air before it becomes such a huge issue that you’re forced to confront him. That’s for him to answer, and as much as I’d like to tell you what’s on his mind, I can’t see in there. As for the “how” - there’s only one way to find out if he’s dedicated without asking him directly. Let him prove it to you. And that can only happen with time.

Or a little devious action on your part.

…not that I’d suggest such a thing.

She says:
I think that when a relationship is new and just starting to grow, it’s natural to doubt the thoughts and/or feelings of the person opposite of you in the relationship. You’re both at the stage where you’re trying to learn more about and understand each other, and because of that, it’s an especially sensitive time for you both. This may be part of the reason he’s hard to read, and I’m sure the distance between you doesn’t help either. There is an advantage to long distance couples, though — their communication skills are forced to evolve, and as a result are top-notch.

So far he has communicated to you two things — first and foremost that he’s hopeful, and that he’s also cautious, perhaps even a little bit wary. He may be optimistic, but maybe he’s afraid of getting hurt, or perhaps he’s never tried a long distance relationship before and is new to how it all works. Or maybe there’s more to it than meets the eye…

No matter how much you speculate, you won’t get down to the bottom of it until you flat out ask, “Hey, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

The basic needs of a long distance relationship come down to, in my opinion, honesty and communication. So be open and honest with him by communicating your concerns. Your doubt is something that you should share with him, so that he’s aware of what you’re feeling, and has a chance to react to it, and hopefully set your mind at ease. This will build trust and security between you, and from my experience, men tend to open up more with a woman after she takes the initiative, lets her guard down and shares her vulnerabilities.

So while my reply may run the risk of seeming too simple, I suggest that you express all of your thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether they are happy ones. When he leaves you wondering whether he thinks your relationship is going to go anywhere, tell him how you feel about the matter and that his thoughts and feelings are important to you.

Talk things out as clearly as you can, and you’ll both feel better. Good luck and keep on believing!

They say:
A lapse in communication is a detriment to any relationship, long-distance or otherwise. An unchecked fear can be even worse. When the two combine, it can topple even the strongest relationship. Whether you decide to face it head-on or tiptoe around it, you’ll need to face it as soon as you feel comfortable — but the sooner, the better.

Entry Filed under: Communication, Long Distance Relationships