Boyfriend cheating, or just paranoia?

April 11th, 2006

“To start off with, I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months now and we’re very much in love. A year ago I was afraid that he was cheating on me so I snooped through his cell phone, but when I confronted him he explained everything and I was okay…”

“Now, a year later, I’ve confronted him several more times. Each time he explains himself and we move on, but I still feel that he’s cheating on me. My previous boyfriend cheated, but I never suspected him and when it all came down, I was devastated! Am I being too paranoid?”

He Says:
Coming out of a bad relationship can put an enormous strain on your future relationships. Sometimes, all it takes to set fear in motion is a single key word you’ve heard used in another context, or a pattern of behavior that reminds you of someone else.

When “She” and I began our relationship, every time she’d grow distant, I’d have this constant irrational fear that she was thinking of leaving me for another man. She wasn’t, of course, but there was a minor problem.

It has been my experience that, if you can’t shake the feeling that there’s a problem, 99.9% of the time there is a problem. You might, however, try to look elsewhere for it before going down this road again. From the sound of it, this is something that’s been plaguing you for quite some time.

Conversely, it should be said that some people are very good liars. I spent a year with a woman who insisted I was being a paranoid asshole. Until I confronted the most likely suspect directly, (who, as it turned out, she’d been with the whole time) I had nothing to go on but suspicion.

So… are you being too paranoid? Yes and no. It seems as if you have a good reason to be afraid, but be careful not to pass judgement on an innocent man based on your own insecurities. Pursuing something like this to the end means - just exactly that - ending the relationship. If, however, he’s proven guilty, you’ll have my full support when you send him packing.

Bottom line: This could go either way, so good luck, however it turns out.

She Says:
Since this conflict pivots around the issue of security, there are two very distinct possibilities that come to mind here. However, as with all issues pertaining to security, it will take a lot of self-reflection to reach the answers you’re looking for.

I think the main question you’ve got to ask yourself is why does your insecurity emerge? Does your current boyfriend do things that trigger it, or are you still stuck in the past? Set aside your paranoia for a moment, and consider this…

In your previous relationship, perhaps you didn’t catch on to the fact that your beau was cheating right away, but eventually you found out. Looking back on it now, can you pinpoint any signs that maybe weren’t so clear then, but are after the fact?

Perhaps your previous boyfriend:

• seemed more withdrawn than usual
• lacked interest in you and/or your relationship
• always seemed to be too “busy” for you
• ceased any sexual activity with you
• seemed a little on edge, as if hiding something and afraid of being found out

Do any of these things sound familiar? Yes? Good.

Now think about your current sweetheart. Does he seem to be giving off the same vibes? If your answer is yes, then I think you need to reconsider your relationship.

However, since you asked whether we think you’re being paranoid, this tells me that you’re already doubting your own suspicions…

And so am I.

I think that deep down inside, you believe that your boyfriend is being faithful. After multiple confrontations, he has stood his ground and even provided some proof and you’ve accepted his word as truth. But that nagging feeling remains because you’re terrified of being caught off guard again… of being deceived.

I know that as a woman, betrayal is one of the most devastating things that we can ever experience. It attacks the very core of our hearts. It whispers the lies that we aren’t good enough and that our love is better kept hidden away inside.

That’s precisely what we do, too. Once we feel that kind of pain, we build walls around our hearts, protecting and shielding them from predators. We prefer to be numb than experience that kind of pain and rejection.

But you have to understand that your heart is the most precious part of who you are — it holds all your dreams, secrets and wishes and all the things that you treasure. Keeping it hidden away from the world only makes you suffer more…

I think you’re scared. And it’s this fear that will paralyze you and any relationship you are in until you release yourself from the painful memories of the past and learn to trust again. Remember, pain and fear can’t last forever unless you let them.

Until you can let go of your past, you will never be able to trust anyone with your heart, especially your boyfriend who, in your mind, poses the greatest threat against it.

You were born to share your heart. So set it free!

They Say:
We collectively suggest that you spend a lot of time in thought and deal with your insecurities before they get even more out of hand. The fact that your relationship has lasted 15 months and that your boyfriend has remained with you through your numerous accusations tells us that although there is a possibility that he could be cheating, it’s still pretty unlikely.

After you’ve spent some time in thought and feel that you can approach your sweetie in a calm manner, pull him aside and have a nice chat about how you’re trying to put the past behind you. If you lay your insecurities out before him honestly and say something along the lines of, “Look, I’ve been burned and I haven’t quite let go of the resulting bitterness, and it has been spilling over into our relationship, because all this time I’ve secretly been afraid that you would cheat on me too.”

If your boyfriend never cheated, he will embrace your honesty and you both will likely experience a profound change in your relationship. If, however, he had cheated, he will likely come forward in this time of honesty. If not right away, it’s only a matter of time. It’s up to you to watch for the signs during your conversation.

Take some time for yourself to figure things out, but take care of this situation before another confrontation is in order. An innocent man can only take so much before he gets tired of being wrongly accused and leaves to find a woman who will really trust him.

If you still can’t quite get past your fears, we suggest finding a professional counselor who can help you move forward. And if worst comes to worst and you just can’t trust your boyfriend, perhaps you need to rethink this relationship and find a man worth putting faith in.

But remember, if you don’t deal with the past, the paranoia will follow you no matter who you’re with.

Entry Filed under: Cheating