Her guy made secret plans to meet with his ex-girlfriend.

April 23rd, 2007

“Before I met my boyfriend, he was engaged to be married, but his fiancée cheated on him and then broke up with him. They had practically no contact for nearly a year and a half, but now that she has no boyfriend, she has e-mailed him…”

“He spent the whole day upset and crying about it. A week later, I found out that he secretly wrote an e-mail back to her that said he “wanted to get together sometime”. I was devastated, confronted him about it, and we had a huge fight.

He can see how upset it makes me that he wants to be in contact with her, why can’t he just let it go? Or am I being unreasonable by telling him I don’t want him to see her? Please help!”

He says:

Whether or not he’s thinking of pursuing her, it’s very, very clear what she’s after. If he doesn’t see that, he’s dense. I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

If he wrote a reponse to her in secret, think about that for a moment. If he had nothing to hide, if he had pure motives, then why would he write a response in secret and not mention it to you?

If he was really interested in being her friend again, wouldn’t it be in his best interest to let you know, and perhaps make a mutual friend? If he wants to cut you out and meet with her in private, then there’s absolutely no doubt what he wants.

So how do you find out? Let him make his attempt at restoring his friendship .. but if, and only if, you’re allowed to tag along. There’s three ways this can go.

1. He adamantly refuses to let you hang out with them. He’s likely about to cheat.

2. She adamantly refuses to let you hang out with them. She is likely about to come on to him, and if he doesn’t mind meeting her without you, he’s likely about to accept.

3. Neither one minds, you hang out, everything’s cool. Your fears are put to rest, and maybe you’ll even make a friend.

Perhaps I’m a pessimist, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, in fact, I think you have a very, very valid reason to be afraid.

She says:

You aren’t being unreasonable. The fact that he went behind your back and failed to mention his plans to you shows that he didn’t want you to know… and why is that? Because you’d be upset? That’s probably one reason, but there are likely others. What baffles me is why he would want to do anything that would upset you in the first place. That doesn’t exactly show a devoted, loving boyfriend, if you know what I mean.

There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to be friends with her, but he needs to be open and honest with you, first and foremost. If his commitment truly lies with you, he shouldn’t be sneaking around and trying to arrange secret meetings with his ex. If he really wants to hang out with her, then he should do so… with you at his side!

I would suggest talking with him again, and try to compromise. If he wants to meet her, then be cool with it, but only if he is willing to bring you along and introduce you as his girlfriend.

You also need to make sure he understands that dishonesty in your relationship will not be tolerated. Tell him that what he has done has made it hard for you to trust him, and makes you feel like he doesn’t value you your feelings, either. Let him know that if something means a lot to him, then it means a lot to you, too… but that you expect the same in return.

Sweetheart, I don’t know what else to tell you. The whole situation is very shady, but at least it’s out in the open now, and there is hope for compromise and healing. I wish you the best of luck.

They say:

Something’s up. You know it, we know it, he probably knows it. All you need to do now is flush it out and either compromise or walk away.

Entry Filed under: Breaking Up / Divorce, Cheating, Communication