Boyfriend isn’t meeting her sexual needs; says sex isn’t important.

May 24th, 2006

“My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. We rarely have sex any more like we use to when we did a long time ago. When we do have sex, he doesn’t last very long. We don’t have foreplay, or when we do oral sex, I’m giving but not recieving!”

“I’ve tried talking to him about it, but all he seems to say is “sex is not that important in a relationship.” I have to use a vibrator just to get off!!!! I love him with all my life, we’ve talked about marriage, but I don’t want to marry a man who doesn’t want me! Should I leave him or stay? Or am I just overreacting?”

He says:
Well, that, to me, seems more than a little odd. It’s a very common occurence for a married couple, after having been together for a few years, to stop having sex as frequently as they once did. I couldn’t say why he’d lose interest… well, unless he was finding it elsewhere. But, you said it yourself - he doesn’t last very long. That’s a fairly good sign that he’s not having sex at all in his “downtime”. So, we can rule out cheating.

As a man, all I can say is: “Huh”?

Male sex drive and female sex drive are, on average, at a 2:1 ratio. So, for every 5 times the average woman feels the urge to have sex, the average male has had the same urge 10 times, and so on.

But that’s average. Every person is different; everyone’s sexual frequency peaks differently. Perhaps it’s not so much an issue of not wanting you as it is just not wanting sex. This is a foreign concept to me - as it would be to most men.

Anyway - the point. If you love him, great. If you want to marry him, fantastic. Just remember, you’ll spend the rest of your days in bed next to him. And, you’ll never be able to get sex elsewhere. So, if you want it, it’ll have to come from him - or, of course, the aforementioned battery-powered friend. Think about that, and make a decision between the possibility he’ll never change and the possibility you’ll never see him again. Which one’s more important to you?

She says:
I don’t think it’s so much a matter of him not wanting you as it is that he’s a lazy lover — he wants his fix without all the “work”. If he didn’t want you, I’m assuming that you two would’ve parted ways long before now. The fact that you both are still together, and that you’ve put up with this for so long, convinces me that you really love each other, but could use a little boost in the bedroom.

What I am concerned about is your boyfriend’s lame excuse that “sex isn’t important in a relationship”. What? I mean…. WHAT!? Is this guy from another planet? Seriously. Isn’t sex supposed to be a man’s key to survival or something? I’m confused. I’m also curious if there is an underlying insecurity that your boyfriend isn’t admitting to.

You’ve already taken the first step by trying to address your concerns. I think his excuse was a way of brushing it aside because admitting that he’s not meeting your needs is probably the last thing he wants to do. He might be taking this news more personally than you think, and could be worried that he can’t please you the way you want him to. If you’re pressuring him in any way, he may not feel able to live up to your expectations.

Since I’m a firm believer that if you want a situation to change, you should make the first approach, here are a few suggestions I have that I would consider if I were in your situation:

1. No pressure. This should be simple enough — guys can’t read our minds, so we can help them out by telling them what they can do to make us feel amazing… but there is a right and wrong way to do this. Be respectful, especially in the moment of being intimate. Ask, don’t be demanding.

2. No expectations. Easier said than done, I know… but as soon as you start expecting your sweetie to do something, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment when he doesn’t.

3. Don’t use sex as a weapon. I don’t know whether you’ve done this before or not, but just in case, it’s a big no-no! You’ve heard the stories — “He’s not getting any tonight!” If, for example, you assume the attitude that if he doesn’t perform oral sex on you, you won’t give him a blow job, uhh… well, you still won’t get what you want. It always backfires.

4. Try switching things up a little. Perhaps a change of pace or trying something different would help put the excitement back into the sex; don’t be afraid to suggest something new.

Sex isn’t important? It is to you! That is reason enough for your man to get his act together and start giving in return. You both need to sit down together and sort this thing out before it becomes an even bigger problem (i.e. cheating). Do it now, before you even think about walking down the aisle. If your boyfriend continues to be so unwilling to compromise, you might want to consider compromising him right out the door and find someone who will meet your needs.

They say:
There’s always room for improvement in the bedroom, no matter how long you’ve been together, no matter how great or bad it is. If your needs aren’t being met, and sex is, in fact, a need for you, then something should be done to make this work for both of you. If he’s unwilling to give back even a little of what you give every day, then perhaps it’s time to find someone who will.

Entry Filed under: Her Needs, Sex & Intimacy